Bia's War Read online

  “And what if you fall again, trying to get down the stairs?” she quickly said. “If you break a bone at your age, it could finish you off for good.”

  “I’m prepared to take that risk because I’m bored with living in this bedroom and only seeing you and Victoria, even though I love chatting to her. I would like to have some quality of life back, before I get too old to enjoy it.”

  “Do you think I’ve got any ‘quality of life’?” Bia shouted at her mother. “I spend all day working my fingers to the bone in that shop, as well as running up and down stairs to care for you and you want to get up to improve your ‘quality of life’. What will happen if you fall again? I’ll have even more work to do, that’s what will happen, but you don’t care, do you?”

  “Of course I care.” Nana knew that she was losing the argument before it had really started. “I think I would make less work for you if I could come downstairs and help in the kitchen. I’m not an invalid, you know.”

  “You might not be an invalid, but you’re doing your best to make me into one.” Bia said. “If you didn’t have me to look after you, then you’d have to go into a home and you wouldn’t want that to happen, would you?”

  “Ok, Bia. You win. I won’t come downstairs tomorrow, but I’m not stopping in bed all day. I shall get dressed and sit in my chair.”

  “You do that.” Bia’s reply was terse. “You do what you want, just don’t make any more work for me. I’ll go and get your tea, and then you can rest. I want our Victoria to help me prepare the vegetables for tomorrow, so she won’t be visiting you any more today.”

  Nana Lymer stayed where she was after Bia had slammed out of the bedroom, wondering what she could do to make life a little better for Victoria. She pondered for a while and then came to a decision; although she wouldn’t be able to put her plan into action without a little help from Victoria herself and it would have to wait until after Christmas.

  Victoria was also wondering what she could do to alleviate the pressure she felt from her mother, but she couldn’t see any way out of the situation until she was old enough to leave home. She hoped she would be able to do that when she went off to college to do the teacher-training she was determined she was going to do after she had finished her A-levels. But that was over two years away, because she would be taking her O-levels the following June and then there would be two more years of study before she could apply to train to be a teacher. Could she spend the next two and a half years with her mother? The constant sniping was reducing her confidence in herself and the older she got, the more it intensified, making her less and less sure of herself. If only her mother would stop pointing out her faults all the time.

  Her mother entered the kitchen at this point and Victoria bent her head to her task of peeling potatoes, waiting for the comment which would inform her that she couldn’t even peel potatoes properly. She didn’t have long to wait.

  “Why do you have to leave such a thick layer of potato still attached to the skin?” Her mother complained. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times that you are wasting good food! Do it properly!”

  “Yes, mam. Sorry, mam.” Victoria mumbled, putting her head down so that her mother wouldn’t see the red suffusing her face, a redness that appeared when she was angry, not ashamed. Her mother, however, didn’t miss the blush that had coloured her daughter’s cheeks and it satisfied her that she had the power to provoke that reaction in the girl, misreading the blush for shame rather than anger.

  Christmas Day was fairly peaceful in the house, without the constant banging of the shop door and the chatter of the customers. Victoria helped with the breakfast, exclaimed her delight at every present and then helped prepare the meal, hoping she could get through Christmas Day without the carping criticism of her mother. It worked so well that Bia allowed her to go and sit with her Nana after they had finished the washing up and Victoria sped to her bedroom before her mother could change her mind.

  Nana was in her armchair, wearing her dressing gown because she hadn’t managed to dress herself without any help and Bia had made it very clear that she wasn’t going to help her that morning.

  “I didn’t think you would be allowed to come and see me today, not after the paddy your mother was having yesterday.” Nana said, beaming at Victoria as she placed a cup of tea and two mince pies on her little table.

  “No, I thought I wouldn’t be able to come and sit with you for the rest of the holidays, but Mam is in a better mood today. Dad says she gets very tired working in the shop and that’s why she loses her temper so easily.”

  “Your father is a saint.” Nana replied. “But we can go on with my story, now you are here, but only if you want me to, don’t let me force you if you would rather be doing something else.”

  “Nana, why do you think I’m here? I can’t wait to find out what happened when William came home.”

  Victoria sat herself on a little stool next to Nana’s chair.

  “Right. William suddenly arrived home without any warning and missing an arm. What happened next?”

  Nana stared off into space, remembering how she had felt when William had opened the shop door and stepped inside.

  “The first we knew about William’s return was when the cart from the railway station stopped outside the shop one morning and Billy Pinkney jumped down from the driving seat and trotted round to the back. He’d been doing the job of station porter, driver and handyman since his older brother, Peter whose job it had been, had gone off to war with the rest of the patriotic crowd. He seemed to be struggling with something and I was racking my brains, trying to remember if I had ordered a bulky item which would have been sent by train, when I realised that it was William that Billy was helping down from the back of the cart.”

  “I went cold to my bones when I realised that William was back home. I could feel a cold drip like an ice cube slithering down my backbone and I wanted to blot him out of my sight. I was acutely conscious of the gaggle of women who were all waiting to be served and I cringed at the thought of what he would say when he came into the shop.”

  “His left coat sleeve was swinging empty as he landed on the pavement and he clutched Billy’s arm as though he wasn’t capable of walking the few steps from the cart to the shop. Billy was only a small lad and he struggled to keep William on his feet until he got him to the shop door, but William had no trouble flinging open the door and making a dramatic entrance into the shop.”

  “‘I’m back, Bia and back for good this time,’ he shouted, as he gazed round at my customers. ‘Come and give your war hero the cuddle and kiss he deserves and I’ll tell you tales of the war that you won’t believe.’”

  “I came out from behind the counter and made my way through the customers towards him. They were all watching us very closely, to see how I would take his very obvious disability, so I didn’t disappoint them, flinging my arms around his neck and weeping copiously into his shirt collar, as though I’d been longing for his return since the moment he had set off for France.

  “‘What happened to you?’ I asked, when he finally let go of me and used his one remaining arm to steer me towards the door through into the kitchen and privacy.

  “‘I’ll tell you later,’ he replied, turning and winking at the women who were all hanging on his every word. ‘We’ve got some catching up to do, if you get my meaning.’”

  “A roar of laughter met this remark and I smiled sunnily up at him, all the while cringing inside at him saying something so crass to me. I was a very private person and that sort of comment didn’t suit me at all. We passed into the kitchen where Annie and Hannah were working alongside each other, making pies at the large kitchen table. Simon was sitting on a stool at the end of the table, vainly trying to steal some of the brambles they were putting in the pies. He stared in surprise at the one-armed man in uniform but, once again, he didn’t recognise his father, although William didn’t seem to be aware of that this time. He busily ushered Annie a
nd Hannah out into the shop.”

  “‘Take the little scrap with you and treat him to one of those sugar mice I saw in a bottle on the shelf,’ he said, ‘And remind him that his daddy has come home for good this time.’”

  “He closed the kitchen door against the stares of the customers and immediately dropped the bonhomie, glaring at me where I stood next to the kitchen range.”

  “‘You’ve moved up in the world then, Bia?’ he sneered. ‘Got your own property and a nice little business now, eh? Hoped I’d never make it home again, did you? Did you think the Hun would do for me and that you’d never have to see me again?’”

  “He was closer to the mark than he realised. I had rarely given him a thought since the last time he had come home, but when I had thought about him, I had hoped that he would never come back from the war. My mind had always baulked at the idea of him being killed, I wasn’t that insensitive, but I had hoped that he would never come home. I hadn’t put this hope into words, refusing to think about what could happen to him, but I didn’t want him back and it now looked as though that hope had been dashed. He was back for the long term, because even our man-starved army wouldn’t take him with only one arm and obvious damage to his legs. I wasn’t sure how many of these thoughts were showing on my face, so I busied myself opening the oven door to check on the pies inside and to hide my eyes. His next words pulled me up sharp.”

  “‘You could have written to me, to let me know that you had moved house. I told Pinkney’s lad to take me home, only to find that someone else was living in my house and I had to ask where my wife had moved to. Can you imagine how stupid that made me feel? I’m a returning war hero and I don’t even know where my wife has gone. You didn’t want me to know that you’d moved house, because you hoped that I wouldn’t be able to find you when I came back. Admit it.’”

  “I was furious with him, firstly because of his attitude but mostly because he was too close to the truth for comfort. I hadn’t wanted him to come back and I didn’t know how I was going to cope with having him around all the time. It was obvious from the minute he got off the station cart that he wasn’t going to be able to go back to work in the iron works and the thought of having him getting in my way all the time was anathema to me. But I was going to start how I meant to go on with William; I was my own woman and he needn’t think that he was going to rule the roost in this house.”

  “If I’d intended that you would never find me again, do you think it likely that I would only have moved a few streets away from where I was living before? Don’t you think I would have left the town and moved miles away so that you would never be able to find me? I could have changed my name, moved to another town and you wouldn’t have known who or where I was, so you can stop using that tone of voice with me.”

  “‘I don’t like having to be told where I live by a snotty little boy!’ he whined. ‘In future, you will discuss all your plans with me before I decide what we are going to do. Is that clear?’”

  “I wasn’t having any of this and he needed to be told pretty sharpish.”

  “I told you last time you came home that this is my house and my business. I’ve worked for them, I’ve earned them and you don’t have anything to do with them at all. If you think you can come home and start shouting the odds about what I can and cannot do, then you’ve got another think coming. I make my own decisions and that’s the way it’s going to stay. Do you understand me? Or do I have to make it clearer for you?”

  “I couldn’t stop myself from shouting at him. I knew he’d come home wounded and plenty of people would say he was a war hero, but he wasn’t going to have any control over me or my businesses, a lesson he was going to have to learn pretty quickly. I wasn’t the delicate little wife who depended on her strong husband for every little thing. I was an independent woman with a head for commerce and I wasn’t prepared to give that up. But I wasn’t too sure where I stood legally and if William got it into his head to hire a lawyer and fight to control my life, I had a terrible feeling that I was going to come off the worse.”

  “He drew himself up to his full height, ready to start laying down the law to me, but the effect on his weedy frame, which hadn’t thickened out any, was just to make him look like a bantam cock and I couldn’t help laughing at his ruddy-tempered face. This infuriated him and he started to pull off his jacket, struggling with the buttons, hampered by the loss of his arm.”

  “‘Look, look what I’ve lost, fighting for King and country in that hell hole in Flanders. I’ve fought like a lion for freedom for all; I’m not fighting you at home as well. You’ll do as I say or, God help me, I’ll beat you to within an inch of your life. Do you understand me?’”

  “He was screaming by the time he got to those last words and spittle flecked across his cheek and onto his uniform jacket. I knew he was very close to losing any self-control he had left, but I wasn’t frightened of him. I had faced down Butcher Dennison, who was as big as a barn door, this little, weedy bantam cock wasn’t going to get the better of me. Something else I had learnt in my battle with the pig butcher was never to give any ground to a bully so I took the initiative immediately. I snatched up the large knife which Annie had been using to cut up the meat for the pies which were in the oven at that moment and shook it under William’s nose. I was as coldly calculating as I had been when I had pushed Dennison into the tin bath and my voice was barely above a whisper when I spoke.

  “‘Don’t you dare threaten me, William. I didn’t make you enlist in the army that was your own idea, so it’s not my fault that you’ve been injured. You left us to sink or swim without you and now you are complaining because we didn’t sink. Would you have preferred it if you had come home and Simon and I had starved to death while you were away? Would that have made you feel better or more manly?”

  “I think he actually raised his remaining hand to strike me, but I shook the knife under his nose again and he suddenly slumped into the fireside chair, all the brashness draining away from him. The tears started to course down his cheeks and he fumbled with a handkerchief to wipe them away.”

  “‘Of course I wouldn’t have wanted you to starve to death,’ he said as he rubbed his face with his hand, ‘but I didn’t expect that you would have made such a success out of running a shop. I thought you would have been desperate for me to come home and provide for you and Simon, not managing so well without me. I feel as though you don’t need me anymore and I don’t like it. I’m the man in this family and I should be the one who runs the business, not you. You should be waiting for me to come home every night, with a good meal ready for me and wanting to know what I’ve done during the day.’”

  “‘That little scenario is all in your head, William.’ I told him. ‘I’ve never played the helpless little woman role and well you know it. I’ll be dammed if I’m going to start playing it now. I was the one who started this shop. I was the one who worked bloody hard to make it successful and, if you can’t cope with that idea, then it’s just hard luck. I have no intentions of giving up what I’m doing. Lucky for you that I can provide for Simon now that you’ve lost your arm, otherwise we’d be in a big hole again, wouldn’t we? You should be able to do some work in the shop, even with only one arm, so you should still have your self-respect, but don’t you ever threaten me again. Do you hear me?’”

  “‘I won’t,’ he murmured, still struggling to keep the tears from falling. ‘I’ve had a terrible time over there, Bia. You’ve no idea how dreadful it is to be up to your thighs in mud and dead bodies, waiting for a sniper to find your position and shoot you when you least expect it, listening to the cries of the wounded laid out in No Man’s Land, screaming for their mothers to come and save them. I was so afraid all the time that sometimes I couldn’t move when the orders to advance were given. I couldn’t make my legs support me, let alone make them run into a deathly barrage of gunfire.’”

  “‘Why did you do it, William?’ I asked him. ‘Why, if you were so frightened
of being a soldier, why did you go and enlist when you didn’t have to? You could have stayed at home and then none of this would have happened.’”

  “As I said this, I realised that I wouldn’t have wanted him to stay at home. If he hadn’t enlisted, I wouldn’t have started the shop or started buying houses with Sam Lymer, everything would have been the same as it had been before the war and I would have been bored with it. The thought of going back to that kind of life filled me with dread and I realised how long my own journey had been. William’s reply took me by surprise, not only because I had forgotten what I had asked him when the wave of realisation had flooded over me, but also because of what he said.”

  “‘You were always the strong one in our relationship, Bia, and I always thought you despised me for my weaknesses. I thought that if you saw me as a soldier and knew that I was brave, then I could live up to you and not feel inadequate any more. But, when I came home last time, you had started a business and were doing very well without me and it just made me feel even more inadequate than ever. And I wasn’t even a brave soldier, because I was so scared all the time. I wanted to lash out and it was you I chose to turn on, like the stupid idiot I am. This whole mess is all my fault, you’re right, and now I’ve spoilt everything.’”

  “The tears started to course down his cheeks again and he was lost in a morass of self-pity and self-loathing, which I found stomach-turning and pathetic. I couldn’t stop myself from giving him a shake and telling him to pull himself together, even though I knew that that probably wasn’t the best way to deal with him. I couldn’t pretend that I felt sorry for him because he was a grown man, he should have realised that war wasn’t going to be easy and pleasant. He was reaping what he had sown and now he had to get on and make the best of what life had to offer him.”